There is no Such Thing as “Tough love”

The phrase “tough love” is one of the biggest oxymorons I’ve ever heard. Basically some people just like to be mean, so they just try to put a positive spin on it to make it look like they’re doing something good.

People have rationalized by being what they call “hard on someone”, that’s a good thing. You don’t want to be nice to people. That would be being “soft” And apparently being “soft” is one of the worst things you could do. They may as well just make a law against that. People spend enough time criticizing, berating people, and getting outraged about it. They’re obviously morons who are outraged by people wanting people to be nice to them and treat them with respect. Yeah, I can see why people would think that’s so “soft” and be outraged by it. People get pretty upset and defensive about their right to be mean and aggressive (or tough) with others.

If I express grievances about bullying like I do on this blog in person, some asshole will want to show me some “tough love”, and tell me to change my attitude, become a “stronger” (as if it’s weak to say you don’t want to be bullied anymore) person, not to be so sensitive, and not to take things personally. Well when someone is mean to you, it hurts. It’s demoralizing and beats you down psychologically. It is personal. You’re ruining their quality of life and being harsh with them. And they’re completely missing the point when they say that. It’s not even about whether the behavior is personal or not. It’s about whether it was right or wrong. Was it mean, did it hurt the person, did they deserve to be treated like that, can you do the right thing and talk to them or apologize? Meanness is still wrong whether it’s personal or not. The idiots also say don’t take things too seriously. So when someone is bullied, they are supposed to act like Krusty the Clown. For the person on the receiving end of the behavior, they are supposed to pretend to laugh to make the bully more comfortable even though they’re hurt or absolutely broken? There is nothing remotely funny about bullying and IT IS SERIOUS. It has serious consequences for the victim. And it’s a serious miscarriage of justice when bullies get away with it scott free (and they almost always do). Someone once told me “you have no sense of humor”. Well not about being picked on. What a sick fuck, to pick on people and then make it seem like a harmless joke.

It’s insensitive when someone confronts a bully or reports them and they just get told crap about “taking it too seriously/personally”. You just minimized the bullies actions and added salt the wound of the victim. They’re basically saying that the bully wasn’t wrong. The victim is expected to “take” disrespectful behavior in a way that is acceptable to the bully and others around him/her.

Bully Parents are notorious for being advocates of “tough love”. Well if they bully their kids, they obviously don’t really love them at all. Bosses who bully will do this too. They do it to make them look tough first of all. It boost their ego and reputation with some to feel/look tough rather than to appear “soft” since that would just be such a terrible thing. Being tough with others (even when unnecessary) is showing strength, right? I mean, you don’t want to come off as a “pussy”. You want show people you got the balls to be tough with other people.

Apparently, people think that it’s a good thing to “push” people to be what they consider an improvement. And people will make excuses for them too. “Oh, they’re just being “hard” on you or being “tough” on you to get you to do better”. No they aren’t. They’re being mean inappropriate assholes. Don’t try to paint a positive picture of how they’re behaving. And you certainly shouldn’t feed their ego by calling them hard or tough, because that’s exactly what they want to hear. I know there are some people that think it’s an “improvement” to be shallow, judgmental, insensitive, athletic, “cool”, and able to indirectly seduce women with strange indirect communication. But some people are more down to earth and authentic, and they LIKE being that way. Some of us like the way we are and reject the popular wisdom as far as superficial “improvements” that society thinks we should do. When you “push” people to do what YOU THINK is better for them, you actually just frustrate them, drive them nuts, waste your time, and end up pushing them away.

Also the assholes tell people that they are helping people in the long run by being tough or “hard” on them. “Oh it builds character, makes them stronger, keeps them on their toes”, etc. None of those things are true. The popular wisdom is that bad experiences make you stronger. Bullshit. When it comes to bullying, if anything bad experiences make you weaker. The experiences are only bad for you. Nothing good comes out of it unless the bully is punished and brought to justice, which rarely happens. There is no evidence or science that proves that horrible experiences that demean, humiliate, and traumatize people make people stronger. That’s nothing but horse shit society feeds you to justify the bad things that happen to you in life. People should be have empathy for others rather than this make-believe “tough love” crap.

Therapy Is Bullshit

Whenever people are having trouble with life, society says that the answer is therapy or counseling. On the internet, it says there is an apparent difference between the 2, but for the purpose of this blog posts, I am going to refer to them interchangeably like they are 1 in the same. I consider them the same anyway. Society recommends that people seek so-called “professional help” as in sitting down with a licensed “professional” who is supposedly an expert in mental health and talk about your problems with them. They portray as the perfect solution. And they portray that and those suicide hotlines as if those “services” are so caring, compassionate, sensitive, and as if they will really help you. Most often they do not.

Of course, it depends on who you talk to but most of those “mental health professionals” don’t care and won’t actually help you. I’ve seen over 10 therapists. I only really felt comfortable with 2 of them. And only 1 of them was good, helpful, and understood my type of problems. But honestly, I even had a problem with those 2. 1 of them was argumentative, and she was wrong about what she was arguing with me about; and the other was argumentative with me over something very personal. She admitted the people who were mean to me were in fact mean, but at the same time she justified, excused, and defended their mean behavior. She told me to continue associating with the perpetrators and to “forgive” them for their behavior, and that I shouldn’t even ask them for an apology. She said she thinks sometimes people depend on apologies too much. I wasn’t depending on it but it’s the right thing for them to do. And when she told me those things, she betrayed me and it was like a knife to the heart. I’m coming to counseling and opened up to a complete stranger about people who’ve made my life an absolute living hell; and instead of empathizing for me and being on my side and an ally to me (even though she was before the last 2 sessions we had), she decided to go and be on their side and defend them and their mistreatment and disrespect of me. It was betrayal. And at least in that moment, she was a bully too, because she was argumentative about it. And ironically, she was the best one I saw, by far.

There were other counselors that justified the bullies’ mistreatment of me. There were some that were understanding though. It’s ironic that society and the media portrays counseling and hotlines as something that is so caring, supportive, and helpful; because I’ve some experiences with these people where they smirked, laughed at me, and were mean to me in these interactions. So counseling did not help, it frustrated and angered me even moreso. Some counselors are aggressive and insensitive also. And when they make fun of you or try to fuck with your mind indirectly, it’s insulting, and makes you feel embarassed for even going to counseling. But isn’t that what society recommends when you’re having a hard time in life?

Therapy also has some dumb social norms. For one, some therapists will stare at you in silence for long periods of time. And that’s extremely uncomfortable. Anywhere else in society or when you’re talking to someone, when is that acceptable? Nowhere. What is everybody taught by the time they are about 6? That it’s not polite to stare. So you obviously shouldn’t do it when someone is talking to you about your personal problems. It’s extremely uncomfortable. I even asked some of them not to do that, and they still did it anyway.

In seeking help with my mental health, one thing that I was expecting was some empathy, understanding, advice, and to have an honest, direct, mature conversation about my issues. A few of them told me that therapy is “a very professional relationship” and wanted to emphasize to me that me and the counselor are not friends. Well that’s true and I already knew that so there wasn’t a need for them to tell me that. I would’ve been the first to tell them we obviously aren’t friends because we don’t even know each other. Plus most of the counselors I saw were middle-aged, so they were much older than me, and I’m usually not looking for friends of that age anyway. But I have a problem with them saying that to me.

Just because it’s a “professional relationship” doesn’t mean that the counselor can’t be empathetic, understanding, give some sound advice, and have an honest, direct, and mature conversation with me about my problems. You don’t have to be friends with someone to do that. And that’s obviously why I was going to counseling and what I wanted to achieve. And it would’ve been nice of them to do that. Second of all, even if you’re in a social setting where you and the other person KNOW that you aren’t friends (and especially one where the person is telling you that they are depressed because they are lonely and without a support system, and bullied all the time), it’s kind of mean to tell the client that you are not their friend. It’s sort of like you’re rejecting them and they weren’t even looking to be “accepted” by you in that way to begin with. Because I think most everyone knows that they’re mental health counselor isn’t their friend. But they are supposed to be their advisor, mental health doctor, and be there for support of the person’s issues. And it’s pretty much common sense that your doctor isn’t your friend. You don’t need to insult the person’s intelligence and prematurely reject them by telling them “we’re not friends”. I told 1 counselor that and the bitch replied, “you may have an extreme sensitivity to rejection”. She was fucking asshole. And I explained to her I wasn’t trying to be friends with my counselor. She also insulted me and told me I was too sensitive. I was actually going to counseling because I have problems with being insulted. Some counselors are bullies themselves. That’s unbelievable. That shouldn’t even be possible.

A lot of counselors are the religious types that basically use mental health as a cover just to get people to become christians which is bullshit. They call them faith-based counselors. More like fake based counselors.

Some counselors don’t actually give advice. They just ask you stupid questions to insult your intelligence and try to “guide” you to the answer. I think about my issues a lot. If I just want to question myself, I can do that on my own time without paying for it. And it’s insulting to have people talk to you like that.

One counselor was a horrible listener. Wouldn’t stop cutting me off. I asked him to and he agreed. 2 sessions later, he went right back to it. What a dick. I asked him again, and he just accused me of being anxious. He never actually answered me, and obviously kept interrupting. And I was going to counseling to get help with bullying, not to continue to be bullied. Also I told the dickhead’s supervisor and she didn’t care or do a goddamn thing about it, or even apologize for the dickhead acting like that.

That’s the other thing, there is no customer service or understanding in counseling. You have a problem at a store or a restaurant, you can talk to the manager or customer service and they can help you or at least apologize for the incident. In counseling, the bastards don’t give a damn and sometimes even justify the actions of the bully counselor.

And I made it clear to them what my goals were: that I wanted a solution to stop being bullied, and consistently defeat the bullies or at least keep them at bay. Most of these therapist assholes just basically tried to convince me to change my way of thinking rather than actually proposing ideas, advice, or realistic solutions for stopping bullying. Most people aren’t going, don’t want to, and/or can’t change the way they think. And for good, innocent people who are being bullied, they shouldn’t have to. If anyone should have to change the way they think, it’s the bullies themselves. They’re the evil ones who are ruining people’s lives everyday. It’s also patronizing and insulting to tell someone to just change the way they think when they’ve been suffering at the hands of someone else. Changing the way you think isn’t going to stop people from disrespecting you. You can pretend to look at it another way if you want to, but the bully won’t stop, and everyone around you watching will still know you’re being picked on and disrespected. It’s a waste of time to pay money just for some asshole who doesn’t give a shit about me to tell me I just need to change the way I think or the kind of person I am. I like who I am and how I think. That ain’t the problem.

And the annoying thing is that counselors will not directly tell you they want to change the way you think. They will use indirect communication and stupid ass insulting questions to let you know. They’re manipulative and it’s unkind to be manipulative. It’s also unkind to be indirect.

And one time I called one of those hotlines. A few times they were good. But the last time I called the person I spoke to was dumb. I asked her for advice. She said they don’t give advice and that they were just there to listen. And then she told me, “don’t let them tell you that you don’t matter, you do matter”. But I never said I didn’t matter or that someone told me I didn’t matter. She just made that up out of the blue. She must not have even been listening when I was explaining my problem to her. So much for those hotlines providing “help” to people.

I’ll play devil’s advocate for a moment, but to a point perhaps they can’t help you. Even a good counselor (if one even exists) can only advise you, empathise with you, and talk to you so much. But they clearly can’t control what happens to in the world. They can’t control or even influence how people treat you. You can have all the counseling you want, but if assholes want to bully you, they will. Or at least they’ll try.

It’s actually the opposite of what they say the purpose of it is. Therapy actually exacerbates your problems, makes you hate people even more, and makes you more suicidal; because many of these “professionals” are mean, unkind, manipulative, cold hearted bullies themselves.

Because of this frustration with therapy, I’m actually even more frustrated with my issues and with people in general, knowing there actually isn’t any real help out there. Some people are doomed to have these type of problems their whole lives. And the perpetrators get off scott free, with IMPUNITY.