Common Themes for Victims of Bullying

None of these things should happen and they’re all bullshit. But here they are:

 

“Alpha” Moments

I’ve heard some say they bullied because they had an “alpha” moment with the other person. So they pick on people because they have a big ego and feel the need to unjustly put someone else down or dominate someone else, because in their mind they’ve rationalized/assumed that they’re better than the other person? That doesn’t sound right. In fact, that makes no sense. You don’t know if you’re “better” than someone else or not. And even if you are, that doesn’t make it right to pick on them, or make their life miserable.

Bullies are Relentless

It’s harsh enough to pick on someone even once, but multiple times? Consistently and often? And when they’ve probably already had too much of that in life as is? It’s not enough for bullies to win and humiliate their targets. They want to bury them alive. You ever see kids pick on other kids? Notice many of them keep bullying until the person cries? Why even let it get that far? Notice that some people don’t start to empathize with someone else or say good things about them until they are extremely ill, disabled, or dead? You can’t be decent to people when they’re alive and in tip top shape?

Another thing I hate is that bullies insist on continuing to be in your face and part of your life/world as much as possible. Even if you know they’re bullying you and they know you hate them because of it. A lot of them refuse to leave you alone even though at the absolute minimum they owe you at least that much (honestly they owe you more but we’ll start with that). The assholes will just keep talking to you, making conversation with you like everything is normal. Now some of them will stop and leave you alone if you say the right thing or even just tell them. But some persist further than that. And at that point, it’s adding salt to the would. It’s bullying on top of the initial bullying. It’s additional torment.

The Way People Look at You

Obviously bullies will give you nasty looks and unpleasant non verbal communication. But so will bystanders who see the bullying. People judging you, sizing you up. and of course all without saying a word, but you know what they’re doing. And sometimes you don’t have to be bullied. Some people will just judge you and make assumptions about you right away based on your looks.

Some people will give you harsh looks if you didn’t mean their crazy expectations. And what’s frustrating is they won’t say a thing.

And looks of pity are the worst. It’s good to support someone and empathize with them. But pity just makes people feel worst. And especially if you communicate your pity for them non verbally.

These mean looks are disrespectful.

Getting Off the Hook/Non apologies

I’ve seen a lot of assholes who will be mean, and then later it will be apparent that they have regret and feel guilty. But they handle it in the wrong way. They’re extremely immature and selfish about it. Instead of taking the initiative to approach the person, deliver an AUTHENTIC apology, admit wrong doing, and reassure the person it won’t happen again; they will act in a more passive aggressive manner. They will usually try to start a conversation with you about some abstract topic that has nothing to do with the conflict. They’ll have a cheesy smile as if they’re being friendly (unlike before). They’ll walk past you with an innocent and sad look on their face (trying to non verbally get your approval and forgiveness because they aren’t mature enough to just talk to you). This is not mature. This is how a small child behaves. I don’t appreciate some asshole trying to indirectly force themselves on me because they (rightfully so) feel bad about how they’ve treated me, so instead of talking to me about it, they need to behave like an idiot.

They’re also hypocritical and selfish. They’re just thinking about their own ego and self-preservation. The victim obviously doesn’t have to accept their apology and could still tell them to fuck off. The asshole doesn’t want to give the other person that power and be in a vulnerable position like that. But why not? The bully put the other person in that position when they mistreated them? It’s only fair now that the shoe is on the other foot.

And people are proud, egotistical assholes. People don’t like to admit when they’re wrong. Because it makes them feel bad. But of course the bullies have no problem at all making others feel bad. See how selfish that is? To admit you’re wrong also gives the other person the moral high ground and that you did something stupid/unintelligent. And of course a proud, egotistical asshole doesn’t want to give their target any advantage at all or admit to incompetence. But this is exactly what they deserve and what SHOULD happen.

People Don’t Take You Seriously

Also noticing that some people are always laughing at you, making fun of you, or just not taking you seriously shows that a lot of people just don’t respect you. Even if you try to talk to others about how they treat you or you take it to management; they just laugh, get sarcastic, or dismiss the bullying as joking, or that you’re overreacting, or being overly sensitive, or taking it personally. And they’ll make sure to laugh or smirk when they say it.

Stand Up for Yourself. Well…….Not Really

People always make victims of bullying out to be passive cowards with no backbone to stand up for themselves. This is usually not the case. For some of us who are socially unlucky, when we stand up for ourselves, things often get worse. You can get in trouble for causing a scene or using inappropriate language, even though the bully was treating you horribly (which is way, way worse than causing a scene or using a 4 letter word). What was the person supposed to do? Take the disrespect for the sake of keeping the workplace quiet and serene? You see for some, other people actually discourage you from standing up to the bully, because they have a special need to play peacekeeper; rather than doing the right thing and defending good people from those that are evil and will bring harm to others. The usual logic in conflict is that there’s 2 sides to every story, both people are saying some truth and some lies; while the truth is somewhere in the middle. BUT SOMETIMES, 1 PERSON ACTUALLY IS TELLING THE TRUTH, WHILE THE OTHER IS COMPLETELY FULL A SHIT.

And some judgemental assholes will give you mean looks if you stand up for yourself, because THEY DIDN’T EXPECT THAT FROM YOU. How dare someone try to discourage you from standing your ground because you didn’t follow the script in their mind of how you were supposed to act. If someone is making your life miserable, you are not obligated to remain civil (even if others have that expectation of you). They’re not being civil. Where’s the rigid, unreasonable expectations for them? I would think a reasonable and rational person would understand that? But I guess not everyone is reasonable and rational, and common sense ain’t so common.

There is no Such Thing as “Tough love”

The phrase “tough love” is one of the biggest oxymorons I’ve ever heard. Basically some people just like to be mean, so they just try to put a positive spin on it to make it look like they’re doing something good.

People have rationalized by being what they call “hard on someone”, that’s a good thing. You don’t want to be nice to people. That would be being “soft” And apparently being “soft” is one of the worst things you could do. They may as well just make a law against that. People spend enough time criticizing, berating people, and getting outraged about it. They’re obviously morons who are outraged by people wanting people to be nice to them and treat them with respect. Yeah, I can see why people would think that’s so “soft” and be outraged by it. People get pretty upset and defensive about their right to be mean and aggressive (or tough) with others.

If I express grievances about bullying like I do on this blog in person, some asshole will want to show me some “tough love”, and tell me to change my attitude, become a “stronger” (as if it’s weak to say you don’t want to be bullied anymore) person, not to be so sensitive, and not to take things personally. Well when someone is mean to you, it hurts. It’s demoralizing and beats you down psychologically. It is personal. You’re ruining their quality of life and being harsh with them. And they’re completely missing the point when they say that. It’s not even about whether the behavior is personal or not. It’s about whether it was right or wrong. Was it mean, did it hurt the person, did they deserve to be treated like that, can you do the right thing and talk to them or apologize? Meanness is still wrong whether it’s personal or not. The idiots also say don’t take things too seriously. So when someone is bullied, they are supposed to act like Krusty the Clown. For the person on the receiving end of the behavior, they are supposed to pretend to laugh to make the bully more comfortable even though they’re hurt or absolutely broken? There is nothing remotely funny about bullying and IT IS SERIOUS. It has serious consequences for the victim. And it’s a serious miscarriage of justice when bullies get away with it scott free (and they almost always do). Someone once told me “you have no sense of humor”. Well not about being picked on. What a sick fuck, to pick on people and then make it seem like a harmless joke.

It’s insensitive when someone confronts a bully or reports them and they just get told crap about “taking it too seriously/personally”. You just minimized the bullies actions and added salt the wound of the victim. They’re basically saying that the bully wasn’t wrong. The victim is expected to “take” disrespectful behavior in a way that is acceptable to the bully and others around him/her.

Bully Parents are notorious for being advocates of “tough love”. Well if they bully their kids, they obviously don’t really love them at all. Bosses who bully will do this too. They do it to make them look tough first of all. It boost their ego and reputation with some to feel/look tough rather than to appear “soft” since that would just be such a terrible thing. Being tough with others (even when unnecessary) is showing strength, right? I mean, you don’t want to come off as a “pussy”. You want show people you got the balls to be tough with other people.

Apparently, people think that it’s a good thing to “push” people to be what they consider an improvement. And people will make excuses for them too. “Oh, they’re just being “hard” on you or being “tough” on you to get you to do better”. No they aren’t. They’re being mean inappropriate assholes. Don’t try to paint a positive picture of how they’re behaving. And you certainly shouldn’t feed their ego by calling them hard or tough, because that’s exactly what they want to hear. I know there are some people that think it’s an “improvement” to be shallow, judgmental, insensitive, athletic, “cool”, and able to indirectly seduce women with strange indirect communication. But some people are more down to earth and authentic, and they LIKE being that way. Some of us like the way we are and reject the popular wisdom as far as superficial “improvements” that society thinks we should do. When you “push” people to do what YOU THINK is better for them, you actually just frustrate them, drive them nuts, waste your time, and end up pushing them away.

Also the assholes tell people that they are helping people in the long run by being tough or “hard” on them. “Oh it builds character, makes them stronger, keeps them on their toes”, etc. None of those things are true. The popular wisdom is that bad experiences make you stronger. Bullshit. When it comes to bullying, if anything bad experiences make you weaker. The experiences are only bad for you. Nothing good comes out of it unless the bully is punished and brought to justice, which rarely happens. There is no evidence or science that proves that horrible experiences that demean, humiliate, and traumatize people make people stronger. That’s nothing but horse shit society feeds you to justify the bad things that happen to you in life. People should be have empathy for others rather than this make-believe “tough love” crap.

It’s Not OK To Bully Just Because You Were Bullied

I’m appalled, shocked, and offended by people justifying, rationalizing, and making excuses for bullying. Instead of empathizing, supporting, and being on the side of the victim (the good side); they side with the person who’s making someone else’s life miserable.

People will explain, “oh it’s ok. You see they just treated you like that because that’s how they were treated”. And they make it sound like once they say that, that everything is all good. No, it’s not. First, that just explains WHY they did it. But IT WAS STILL WRONG. They still need to be held accountable and shouldn’t be able to treat people like that with impunity. Second, that’s still not morally justifiable. Just because someone mistreats you and messes up your life doesn’t make it right to do it to an innocent 3rd party. Everyone has the ability to use common sense. If the 3rd party didn’t mistreat you, they obviously don’t deserve to mistreated the same way or worse.

Bosses who are bullies and bully parents will use this excuse a lot. You’ve probably heard abusive bully parents make the excuse of “we did that because that’s how we were brought up”. But that still makes no sense at all. A good person with intelligence would know not to subject someone else to the horrible behavior they experienced. And they would especially know not to justify it if they did it. They would admit that it’s wrong and that they shouldn’t have done it. And doing something your kids because your parents did it to you is not morally justifiable. If the idea is for your kids to grow up as healthy kids and to become healthy adults, then it’s obviously not in your best interest to do that. I hate when people say that. That’s the equivalent of telling a person that it’s their fault that they were raped, when it clearly wasn’t their fault. The perpetrator decided to do that on their own, themselves. And they alone are responsible for what they’ve done to you. If someone is that much of an idiot to make a choice to raise kids, but then ruin the kids’ life, then they shouldn’t have made the decision to be parents. They should have given the kids up for adoption, foster care, or to live with other relatives who will hopefully actually care for the kids and be good parents. Abusive bully parents are the scum of the earth and absolute shit.

Also bully-parents will use other adults and relatives to back them up and gang up on you to further demoralize you. The real bad narcissistic ones love seeing their kids suffer and not have any support at all. For them their kid is either an extension of their egos or a human punching bag for them to take their aggression out on. Parental bullying should be illegal. These people belong in jail and deserve to rot in hell. Any boss who bullies his/her employees should be immediately demoted and/or fired. They too deserve to rot in hell. And of course there are peers that will do this too. People that will bully someone of lower social standing than themselves even though they were bullied. These people are absolutely despicable. Rather than using common sense and having some ethics and wisdom, they choose to become evil like their tormentors were. That’s stupid and it’s not morally justifiable.

 

Never Ending High School Culture

Everyone knows that high school is a popularity contest. Sure if you’re an academically strong student, a star athlete, talented in some other way (music, drama), or active in the community; high school can be used as a good stepping stone for future success in the adult world. But the thing is most people (especially at that age) are just average. Sure there are lots of kids that excel at those things in high school or even earlier than that in life, but most kids are just average.

It is annoying that the pressure some bully-parents put on their kids mainly in regards to being an athlete (for boys). It should not be a requirement for adolescent boys to play sports just to have the respect of their relatives. These people are rigid, harsh, and against freedom for other individuals. They don’t deserve to be parents, and it should be against the law for them to be parents. They deserve to rot in hell. People don’t have to be athletes if they don’t want to. Clearly if someone doesn’t desire to do something, it shouldn’t be forced on them. People should not be pressured to do things they don’t want to.

But what’s worse during high school is that it’s a big popularity contest. High school is nothing more than a social cesspool of superficiality, gossip, bullying, fakeness, politics, and being judged. Oh but wait, that’s how the adult world is too, especially at work. High school is actually just the beginning of it. They say that the workplace is basically just high school for adults. All the things I mention are what happen at the typical workplace also. And as a kid, some adults lie to you and say that things change after high school, and that the real world isn’t like that but it is very much so like that. Growing up I was looking forward to adult life, but for the most part it wasn’t worth it.

The Stigma of “Tattle-Telling”

In elementary school, you’re told that if someone’s picking on you that you should tell an adult (parent, teacher, counselor). But at around that same time the stigma of being a tattle tell has already started to pressure everyone (especially boys). It’s one thing for your peers during childhood well into adulthood to stigmatize “telling”, but what’s an even bigger offense is that most parents, teachers, counselors, administrators, and bosses DON’T ACTUALLY MEAN IT. They contradict themselves and say it based on what’s more convenient to them and makes them look better.

If a kid is picked on in school and stands up to the bully by insulting or fighting him, he will be in trouble with the school. The school will immediately tell say “if you were being picked on, you should’ve told an adult to avoid this”. But sometimes even during K-12, telling on the bully is ineffective because the adult will do NOTHING. Once at camp when I was 11, I told the counselor when I was being picked on and the counselor yelled at me to stop “telling”. Two years later I told a teacher when another student was picking on me at lunch, and she yelled at me, “boy, you need to stop telling on people, you’re in the eighth grade”! Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that I was a full-grown responsible adult at 13 fucking years old. I was also beat up at a recreation center when I was 10, and my caregiver (although he didn’t actually care or give a shit at all) kept taking me there everyday where the bully was anyway. He and the nurse laughed at me at the clinic for getting socked in the mouth and he told me I don’t care if this happened to you, you have to go back. In high school, the principal laughed when I fought a bully and even accused us of being “friends” when we clearly weren’t. I called the police on the same bully and they had a similar response. I fought another bully in high school and the teacher made light of the situation. She told every jokingly for the next 2 years how she was scared because we had a fight in her class (obviously the fight was not with her and didn’t affect her). What about me, the kid that got picked on embarrassed verbally and physically in front of the whole class? What about my fear and my trauma? But the selfish bitch was too busy having fun and worrying about herself to care about her students.

And obviously the stigma of telling on the perpetrator just gets worse as you grow up. In college, they won’t really take you seriously if you have a problem with a professor or TA. They’re already biased to be on their side and they give the professors a lot of power. Plus obviously they can retaliate against you if you complain.

In the working world, if the person being picked on has something bad happen to them; the boss or HR will claim, if he had a problem with others he could’ve come to us. But most of the time, management and HR see “tattle telling” as a nuisance or “baby-sitting”. They say come to us with any problems. Many jobs have “open door policies”. But that’s just there to make them sound nice and like it’s a nice place to work that cares about you. But they don’t. In reality, when you tell they treat you like you’re being annoying, and they don’t really want to deal with bullying. They just want to deal with the job itself. In interviews, many employers will even ask you something along the lines of:

  • How do you deal with conflict with other employees?
  • Do you get along well with others?
  • Do you prefer to work alone or in a team setting?
  • Tell me about a time you had difficulty with a co-worker?
  • How do you handle interpersonal conflict?

Answer any of these questions with “I tell management” or any answer implying you would stand up to the co-worker, well may as well just get up and walk out of the interview right then and there because you ain’t gettin the job. Both answers supposedly imply to the interviewer that you’re going to be a problem employee because you’re either an annoying tattle tell that can’t deal with difficult people, or you’re in the wrong for standing up for yourself to the difficult co-worker (when apparently you’re supposed to just lie down and take their shit because that works better for everyone else). I even had 1 employer tell me during the interview that he hated “baby sitting” as in “telling”. Another employer told me “people can’t always check their issues at the door before coming to work”. So in other words, they were defending workplace bullying. Well it’s no wonder workplace bullying is so prevalent if the people in charge are defending bullies themselves. How are good people like us supposed to succeed, keep our sanity, or even make a living if bullies have damn near full impunity and support to pick on people at work, and will never be held accountable? The truth is most employers would just prefer that you just lie back and take the bullying, do nothing about it, and who cares how it affects you.

A lot of co-workers are bossy also. Bossiness is bullying too. If a person isn’t in charge of you or training you, they shouldn’t be telling you what to do. Most of these people are stubborn, egotistical, and selfish. Most of them rationalize it using seniority or some other bologna. Being at a job longer does not automatically make you a de facto manager for new employees. And of course they are vindictive about this. When you stand up to them, they go behind your back to management rather than apologizing and admitting they were wrong for being a bossy micromanager that had no business telling people how to work.

So victims of bullying are expected to live much of their lives unprotected and unsupported from bullies.

People Should Have Empathy for Those Who Don’t like Conflict

Conflict is scary. Especially if you’ve been through a lot of it consistently throughout your lifetime, and bad things usually happen to you when it happens. People are often ruthless, harsh, and unapologetic. People don’t usually listen, have compassion, or put themselves in the other person’s shoes. People make it sound like you’re cowardly if you don’t like conflict. But if you’ve lost a lot of them and bad things have happened to you, it’s understandable why you wouldn’t like it.

Obviously, it’s better to have peace and serenity than to have war and unnecessary conflict. So if someone says they don’t like conflict and the uncomfortable feelings and results that come with it not to mention being on bad terms with others, you would think people would be more understanding of that; and make an effort to being a more reasonable person to deal with. Yelling scares people, berating scares people, harsh looks and insults scare people, gossip scares people, even people being fake patronizing nice after they just disrespected you scares people. Because the victim may think that if they don’t go along and pretend to accept your fake nice, patronizing bullshit, you’ll react in a way that’s extremely harsh for rattling your cage and not doing what you wanted them to do.

That’s the thing. People being mean to you for your whole life scares you and demoralises you. And contrary to popular belief, you often can’t control that. If someone scares you and demoralizes you, there’s often no turning back. That on top of the fact that when you talk about it with people, they’ll just criticize or berate you, and call you “soft” or accuse you of complaining or being overly sensitive/easily offended. And then that convinces you to not want to discuss it with others (suffer in silence). So if I don’t like people being mean as hell and disrespectful to me my whole life, I’m being overly sensitive and easily offended? And by talking about it? The people that say that are just assholes. Why do they need to react that way and have such a strong aversion to what they consider “overly sensitive/easily offended” people? It pisses you off and rattles your cage that someone told you that you offended or hurt them and asked you to respect them? People are really pissed off by that? It sounds like they’re overly pathological and easily angered.

It’s understandable that some people don’t like conflict because it often ends badly for a lot of us. People are scary and fear deserves empathy. People should have compassion for you if you have legitimate fears based on life experience and how the other person treated you. What people will do to you is scary and it’s understandable to not want to deal with that. As a kid they tell you everything is going to be alright. But nothing could be further from the truth. There’s a lot in life to fear.